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June 9, 2012

Prometheus

I’ve been waiting for this film all year….and the time has finally arrived. The Art team caught the 3pm showing of it today.

Wow!……I mean Wow!!!!!!! What a terrible fucking film. I mean it, not a joke. It was profoundly retarded on so many levels, I was completely shocked and dumbfounded while sitting through it. He took his masterpiece of Sci-Fi horror and pretty much dumbed it down into this blathering mess of a film. It’s pretty much a B-Schlock Horror film with a super high budget attached to it.

Too much to go into but summing it up really quick…, the old log line for Alien was “In Space…no one can hear you scream…”

Let’s go over some potential Prometheus log lines

In Space…..

Everyone’s an asshole…

Everyone is mind numbingly dumb…

All villains practically twist their nefarious mustache and just come out and tell you at the beginning of your journey they have an agenda….but they’re not going to tell you what it is….but will let you know they are an asshole, they are comfortable being an asshole, and you should know whatever their agenda is, it wont be good…

We seek out and find our creators who are aliens…and they are a bunch of ass clowns that are really retarded as well, and like to play with bad biological weapons they cant control either,…

If you meet up with a dead alien race and have questions about what happened to them, not to worry because every alien door in the spacecraft is equipped with a VCR Hologram setup that will playback what these fuckers were up to moments before they died….in fact it will even lead you right to the carcass.

Black Doug from the hangover flies the ship and will tell you what the Aliens were up to even though he never leaves the ship.

You find out the old man who owns the company/spaceship you’re on should be dead of old age by the time you reach your destination…but he’s actually on board the ship the whole time and you would be extremely mad because he has somehow tricked you with his own “agenda” (which is completely irrelevant to your own and should’nt conflict with yours in any way, yet you’re still mad about it) being he’s looking for a cure for old age from the Aliens before he croaks in a few days….but when asked by the ship’s robot earlier how far you would go to get the answers you’re looking for, you’ll be an asshole to the robot for no reason at all, then passionately tell him “Anything and Everything”…which basically means you would have sucked the old man’s cock who flipped the bill for getting you here on the planet anyways, so why are you mad again? (And wouldn’t it have been much easier to just say, “Hey, you have a star map….I have a spaceship…let’s carpool yo)?”

There will be Aliens that travel to Earth during its primordial age, drink some shit that will turn they’re body into molecular goo which spreads DNA all around thus creating life here on Earth, but then for some reason they decide they actually hate us and have all these biological weapons they couldn’t control and plan to fly them in their spaceship to earth so they can destroy it? (Even though they’re 10ft tall super humans with advanced weapons that could have wiped us out without these weapons anytime in the centuries we’ve been around)…because “sometimes in order to create life you have to destroy it”? –

There will be a Daughter who hates her Father, tells him he shouldn’t seek out a cure from the Alien race…because she’s the next in line to run his company and he should just man up and die already, telling him “that’s the order of things”…thus giving her the controlling half of his company…but then a moment later warns him that if he goes out to meet the Alien, “He will Die”….trying to deter him….( 1.) Make up your mind already….2.) He’s going to be dead in a few days anyway so what’s your point again?)

All biological logic pertaining to the iconic “Xenomorph Alien” which he created in the first film is thrown away, and now we have little grey penises that swim around in black goo that leap into your mouth like you’re sucking on a big grey dildo, which then turn into a 4 tentacle grey squid…uggh…

…I can go on for hours.

Anyway, It’s bad…watch at your own risk.

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2 Comments
  1. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, DAMN IT!!!! I wanted to not believe it. I heard so noise that is sucked balls, and Ridley Scott is directing, his stuff hasnt been as good the last decade, since Gladiator. Damn it. I wanted to watch it.

  2. Yeah, I so much wanted to like it, but just couldnt. It kept slapping me with stupidity at every turn. I just touched on a few of the retarded elements in the film….the list is very long.

    Sorry man…lol.

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